I Have Been Alive for Many Days

I wanted to count them all today, but I didn't. 

*Great story Kalster! Tell it again!*

I have so many days to catch you up on! Last I posted was Day 9. So, Day 10: Meet Jonas Day. Basically, I just went to the website for the company that wrote the book, then got to meet one especially rockin' Swedish blogger named Jonas Jansson (I could have sworn his name had one of those o's with a line through it). I created another blog on that site, but no worries, it's nowhere near as phantasmagoric as this one. 

Day 11: Introduce Yourself to Someone You Know but Never Speak to. This one was particularly hard for me. I know a lot of people, but I talk to them all the time. The Book suggested The Hooker on the Corner, The Guy Behind the Counter, etc. Since I spent the day driving back to the school, I encountered only people I don't know. I did, however, end up spending the night with a friend, and one of his friends was there, too, so I chose him as my lucky victim. I learned his sexual preference and his intended major. We got super close. Thanks, Ian. 

Day 12: I chose my type from a list of types. You know, for those drunken parties, so I can remember. I am the Clever Brunette. Coincidentally enough, Night 12 was a drunken party, and I totally rocked the Clever Brunette. Of course, everyone was drunk, so no one noticed save me, but I won't let that get me down. After all, I'm a Clever Brunette--who doesn't want one?!

Day 13: Today. Send a Letter to a Mass Murderer Day. I perused the wares--Charles Manson, Theodore Kaczynski (Unabomber!), the Co-Ed Killer--and wondered, since This Book was published in 2003, how many of these have already been executed? I ended up choosing David Berkowitz, who had a troubled childhood, became a Satanist, and killed 6 people. Also, he looks particularly creepy. That's a big selling point.

 

I gave him a fake name, no return address, and I used a moist Q-tip to seal the envelope so that, in the event that Davey Boy has well-developed forensic skillz, he can't have a sample of my DNA. 

This book is rockin' my world. 

Self-Control vs. Control Top Panty Hose

Again, the title has nothing to do with anything. 

Day 8: Addiction Free Day! They even include a caveat for crack cocaine addicts: "You may not feel purer immediately. Stick at this one for at least a couple months to see the full lifestyle benefits." So far I've gone all day without sugar just to prove how much purer I feel. Also, so far it's only 10:11 a.m. 

Day 9:Do Something Before Breakfast Day. I went for a brisk jaunt around our house. I put my bare foot in a patch of hoarfrost. I tried to lick the morning dew from a young leaf, but it had already dried up. I took a shower. I scared a small family of birds. I finished my book. 

Today has already been productive! This book is changing my life. 

The Meaning of Being

  
I only titled it that because it rhymes, and I saw it on the cover of a book. 

Day 5's task was to paste an "Out of Order" sign on some public infrastructure in the hope of achieving comprehensive social breakdown across the US. I posted it twice, in the unisex bathroom of an undisclosed location. I thought it would have a chance at staying there for a long time because the sign kinda looks like the undisclosed location's insignia, but when I went back to said location the next day the signs had been taken down. Wiley managers. 

   

I did get to spend some more time wreaking havoc in the store, though, with C-Nilly (so silly). We stole the Call for Help button and hid it amongst the shelves and pressed it over and over, then went to see a movie (which was fantastic. We snuck snacks into the theatre--baby-sized Sprites, Xplosive Pizza goldfish, and chewy Sweetarts--so it wouldn't seem 3 hours long.) Afterwards we stole 3-D glasses from the bin and strutted through the parking lot with our own runway music. We also wore the glasses in the mall, which was pretty disconcerting, then ate at Genghis Grill (I think the chef is a legitimate Mongol) and watched a handful more movies at my house. It was a swell day. 

Day 6: Write the opening sentence of your début novel. Mine goes a little something like this:

"It could have been anybody, those silhouettes in the photo, a regular Jack-and-Jill cut from black cardstock and tacked to a fire-engine sunset. But it wasn't. It was you with me; I had sun poisoning and after the shutter snapped--I mean seconds later--I barfed on the craggy, pockmarked boulders at the lakeshore, and that late-July, north-Georgia sunset made it sizzle before the light drained from the neon sky." 

If you're interested in publishing the rest of it, give me several thousand dollars and a couple months and we'll see what we can do. 

Day 7: Masturbate at 13:56 to the following fantasy. 

Listed is a story about a woman trapped by a rainstorm in an isolated log cabin, rudely awakened by a rippling muscle-y woodsman, then swirled in a tale of bliss beyond imagination. The men's version says "Two blondes. Doing it. Together." 

I put on some socks and played Flight of the Conchord's "Business Time." You can imagine the rest I'm sure. A couple friends that I had enlightened about the task sent me text messages reminding me that it was business time and asking how it was. Oh, friendship. 

New Happy Year

I spent my New Year's vacation in Chicago, which I have never seen before, and which I immediately loved. Love love love. Chilly Chicago. Sushi, champagne, and two perfect gentlemen for a week's worth of company. Life is good.

I've also taken the opportunity to formulate some highly sensitive and classified New Year's resolutions. They are as follows: 

1. Get really good at belly dancing.

2. Lose weight (for real this time) and get in shape.

3. Devour this book (which I have lovingly dubbed "365 Days of Hilarious Living") and post my daily findings. 

Basically, the book is just a challenge to make every day about something: do something every day that makes it stand out, makes it interesting, or at least memorable. So, Day 1 is pretty simple: Choose one of the following and do it. Do one press-up; perform a strip tease (in private); triple-tie your shoelaces; learn to play <> on the piano; increase your typing speed by three words a minute; jaywalk in a pedestrian zone; set all your clocks to exactly the right time; whisper a white lie when no one's listening; fantasize about your partner; use a different thickness comb; say <> instead of <>; hold the phone up to your other ear; tell someone your middle name; try a new sandwich filling; leave work five minutes early; bookmark a new website; give your genitalia pet names; decide which one of your toes is the prettiest; insult an insect; go on a one-minute hunger strike. 

The dabbler in me mixed with the over-achiever in me decided to do a little of everything. I did one full chin-up. I went to a strip club for the first time in my life and watched a real live person do a strip tease. I whispered "I'm a lesbian" on the escalator in the movie theater. I fantasized about having a partner. I couldn't decide if I was giving pet names to my genitalia or giving names to my pet genitalia; regardless, I did that years ago. I stuck up my middle toe (which is, coincidentally, the prettiest) and said "You're retarded" to a moth that was trapped in my car while the windows were down. I held the phone up to my other ear and it pretty much weirded me out for the whole day. 

Day 2 (I'm just going to combine them all here so I can start afresh tomorrow) told me to spend the day gazing at everyone as if he or she were the one true love of my life. I kinda have an addiction to people-watching anyway, so I just threw in a couple of eyelash bats and stoic winks and went from there. I received no digits, nor reciprocated Looks of Anguished Love, but it's the thought that counts. Not that anyone else was walking around gazing at everyone as if he or she were the one true love of their life. Or were they...

Day 3 told me to throw something away that I like. I haven't done this yet. I'm stuck on analyzing why I like what I like, and why I would ever throw it away, and if I did, would I ever forgive myself. I'll keep you posted. 

Day 4 (which is today!!!) is World Coloring-In Day. I colored in a world map all the countries I have visited (green), the ones I intend to visit in the next year (blue), the ones I intend to visit before I die (yellow) (what happens if I die within the next year?! What color do I color the country?!?), and the countries I never want to visit (red). Needless to say, the map is entirely yellow and green, with no red anywhere. Here, see for yourself. 

Now that I'm landlocked for awhile I'll be documenting my hysterically lived life through this book. Until I can once again be on the open road, this will just have to suffice.